I always looked up to you
by Ledgends nevver die
Summary: And there were the last words he said to Bucky before seeing him getting on that damn bus. He wanted to tell Bucky not to go away. He wanted him to stay. He hated that bus, he hated the army for taking in Bucky and leting steve behind. He hated the fact that his best friend was gone. Of course he had shut his mouth. Of course he didn't say Bucky what he felt for him... [modern AU]
1. Chapter 1

Hi everyone, so, Of course I do not own the characters, even if I would love it...if I did, Cap and Bucky would totally be together ;) . If you like it, let me know, leave a comment

^-^. Enjoy!

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 **Chapter one: Don't Go away**

They've been friend since so long, Steve can't even remember when it started. He remembers playing with Bucky on Brooklyn streets, going at the same school, having him by his side when he was sick, sometime Bucky skipped school to cheer him up especially when his mother had to go to work. That was when they were in primary school. Then, they went to junior high school. Steve started being bullied, he remembers taller people mocking him, beating him, and every time, Bucky was here to defend him. Always.

They are best friends. Buckyis one of the two person he genuinely loves in his life, the second is Sarah, his mother. Steve had bad memory of high school, still bullied, he was often getting into fights,but Buckywas here to save his ass and brighten his life. He was the first person to who Steve had said he was gay, Buckydidn't judge him he just said that he was bisexual and their sexual orientation wouldn't change anything to their friendship. They've been friends for so long, they built pillow castles together, in Steve's small living room.

Sarah was a nurse, it didn't pay much and she often did more hours to pay the rent. It's not easy to be a single mother, but she was the best. She and Steve lived in a very small flat, with bad air conditioning, moisture, and a broken elevator, they lived in the fifth floor or a shabby old building. Unlike Steve, Bucky lived in a big house, with his sister. His mother, Winifred, was a teacher, and his father, George, was a lawyer, a good one. He had very good living conditions and Steve never really understood why Bucky was so nice to him, they were from two different world.

He and Bucky were now young adults, they graduated and leaving senior year and at the same time high school was a relief for Steve. He got a scholarship to enter university, he studied art and history, drawing and painting were his passions and he wanted to be an artist, he dreamed about getting an exhibition in a big museum one of those days. All the while Bucky started his training to become a soldier...yeah, he entered the army. When they were younger they both wanted to be soldier and fight for their countries, but Steve couldn't, his health prevented him from doing a lot of stuff. He had asthma, he got pneumonia easily, and the flue his for him like an aunt, you might not see her for a while, but when she comes back, she is hard to get rid off.

 ***.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.***

The sun was shining outside, Steve was sitting on a bench, facing the Hudson, it was a little bit cold, after all, it was late November. The little blond guy was sketching the river, all those light reflections over the water were beautiful. It's been three months since Steve started college, he had made some friends, Sam and Natasha, he wasn't as close of them as he was with bucky, but it was nice to have people to be with time to time. Right now, he was alone on . Despite his bad hearing, he heard the tone of his phone ringing. It was probably the worst news of his life. Sarah had been sick for a long time and but he had kept hoping that she would have defeat the cancer, but the thing won. She died on a cold November afternoon. Steve felt the tears coming down his cheeks, still facing the river, praying for this day to be a bad dream, or this phone call a very bad prank, but it wasn't. Sarah, his mother was dead. He couldn't move for at least one hour before eventually leading toward the hospital. Steve had always hated hospitals, he spends a lot of time here over the years of different illnesses and now he had seen his mother lifeless body he hated even more. He signed some paper, and took the bag with his mother's stuff in it without really knowing what was happening. He left the hospital with the condolences of some nurses who used to work with Sarah and then he called Bucky who did not answer, of course, he is still training. When he gets back to his very small apartment he saw Bucky siting, his back to the front door he gets up and hugged Steve.

''I'm sorry pal! I really am. She was a great person!''

Yes she was! Of course, she was his mother after all. He looked up to see Bucky's face, he had cry, his eyes were a bit red.

''You did not have to come you know...you've got to work! I can deal with that... I'll be okay on my own''

Bucky put his right hand on Steve's shoulder, with a compassionate look ''The thing is you don't have to. 'Cuz I'm with till the end of the line pal''

 ***.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.***

The funeral had been real quick, there weren't many people. Some of Sarah's friend and Bucky were here to share this sad moment with Steve. He had cried all along. After that Bucky had stayed at Steve's apartment all night. He had given him his shoulder to cry on. Over the passing hours, he had succeeded to make Steve laugh a bit. It was important for Bucky to see his best friend at least smile, he wanted to be sure Steve would go through this hardship and get better real quick. A week after the funeral Bucky found Steve in a dark alley being beat by a way bigger guy than the blond. He came in and punch the guys face and kick him in the butt telling him to fight someone of his own size.

Bucky was in his army uniform, seeing the weird look on Steve's face he announced that he had received his assignment for a mission in Iraq. Steve's face turned white -whiter than it already was- a week ago he had buried his mom, and now he had to say goodbye to his best friend. Steve tried to stay cool for the rest of the day, playing it casual even though he wanted to beg for Bucky not to go, to stay with him he didn't want him to be away because he loved him. When Bucky left he had said nothing and convince himself he would do it the next day before Bucky get on that bus which would take him far away.

On the next morning Steve was at the base to say goodbye to Bucky next to his family, Rebecca and Winifred were crying, George was trying to cheer up his daughter and wife but he had hard time to hold back his own tears. He briefly hugged Bucky one last time.

"don't do anything stupid until I get back."

"how can I? You're taking all the stupid with you."

"you're a punk"

"jerk"

And there were the last words he said to Bucky before seeing him getting on that damn bus. He wanted to tell Bucky not to go away. He wanted him to stay. But those words were trapped inside his blond went back to his apartment sat on the sofa and drank beer while hating himself. He hated that bus, he hated the army for taking in Bucky and leting steve behind. He hated the fact that his best friend was gone

Of course he had shut his mouth. Of course he didn't say Bucky what he felt for him. What would it have change? Nothing, Bucky would have left him anyway. Maybe he would have stop talking to him, telling Bucky the truth would probably have destroyed their friendship anyway...

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe it will be the occasion for Steve to get closer to Sam and Natasha, maybe he'll be able to meet people, find someone to love…at least for a night. It's been a while since Steve had a lover. It may be the time for Steve to start having fun again, and this time, without Bucky. Steve took his phone and asked t his friends if they wanted to go out with him. That night, Steve spend it laughing, drinking and sleeping with an unknown guy. He usually doesn't do one night stands, but sometimes it can be a good way to forget about bad things going on in our lives.


	2. Chapter 2

Her is the second chapter, again, I don't own the charaters, and please leave a comment :) Enjoy!

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 **Chapter 2 : Thinking about you**

Once again, Steve was sick as hell. It was the first time since his mother death, three months ago that he was sick...also the first time he was spending his time at the hospital without seeing Bucky once. He had ended up at the hospital, a fucking pneumonia had struck him and put him in this awful place. He was sketching in his room when he heard a knock on the door. Dr Banner was here, it had been a while since he had seen him, the guy was now working for a big company. He came inside the room gently saying hello with a comforting smile on his face and a look full of pity. Steve hated that look, he hated when people looked at him like he was a poor little kid defenseless and hurt. He his an adult perfectly capable of taking care of himself, otherwise, he would be dead now.

« Mr. Rogers, I heard that you were back here. I bet you missed the food ! »

He let out a chuckle, banner was the kind of doctor who was able to make his patients feel genuinely safe.

« Yeah, and the smell of disinfectant ! »

Steve smirked nicely, joking with Dr Banner was easy, he is the kind of people everybody likes. He left the hospital a few years ago when Tony Stark the CEO of Stark Industries, they work on different stuff like new drugs, or even prosthetic for fallen soldier but most of the stuff they do are only to development basis. Stark Industries is the number one in new technology.

« You seem to be pretty fine for someone who has a pneumonia, but I'm not here to ask for an update on your health state. I'm here to ask you to be a guinea pig for a new medicine. It is supposed to help people like you. People who have a bad health conditions. It could help you get better and say bye bye pneumonia! »

Steve had his eyes wide open, basically Banner is saying that he can give him a complete new health but it's experimental so dangerous. Steve asked for more information, they've talked about that for two hours. Bruce explained everything, he said it could make him stronger because of a small amount of steroids, and others stuff Steve doesn't know. He ended up agreeing for a meeting with Tony Stark, Dr. Banner and Dr. Cho, the three person in charge of this program. The appointment is up for the following Tuesday, here he'll learn what are the risk of this experimentation, the conditions and he will have, in the case he eventually agrees with doing it, to sign a contract of confidentiality and all the usual stuff. All his life he had to take medication for his different disease, and for the first time in a very long time he could start hoping that drugs wouldn't be necessary anymore. It was kind of dream becoming real.

 ***.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.***

The night before the appointment Steve did not sleep, he couldn't stop thinking about what the doctors were going to tell him, or what could possibly happen to him if he developed side effects. Those are the thing Steve really apprehend, but deep inside he is 92% sure he will do it. Sam and Nat were aware about this appointment, Sam told him to be careful, that experimental stuff might be a real danger and make his health conditions even worse, while Natasha told him to jump on the occasion if the risk aren't too high. Natasha is a fighter and she wants him to do it. The chances about that are really high.

When the time of the appointment come both of them send him texts to wish him luck. He went to the Stark Tower, a big building in the middle of the city. It was the new symbol of the big apple. It shown the power of his owner. Power of money. Stark had made a few discoveries which revolutionized the entire world, and before becoming a saint who want to heal the world, he was a Death seller. He built weapons, very destructive ones, a few years ago he was the victim of an attack while he was trying to advertise his new weapon for the army, he saw what he had built killing people, he himself have been hurt. Ironically the weapon which almost killed him literally had Stark's name on it. He survived and he is now seeking for redemption.

Steve came inside the big building, the receptionist invited him to take the elevator saying that Jarvis would bring him to the right floor but when he entered the big metal box there was nobody. Then he heard that English accent, first he jumps before understanding that the voice was from a speaker. Jarvis introduce himself as an IA, the blond thought before this day that was just science fiction, that IA were only in the movies but he realized it wasn't true. He gets to the thirteenth floor were a man with a fancy suits, black hair and a very well-cut beard was waiting fir Steve apparently. This guy was the famous Tony Stark, this guys was impressive, only being in his presence made you feel little next to this guy. To his left was Dr. Banner with is brown, grayish hair, brown little eyes, purple shirt and white blouse. On Tony's right was an Asian woman, very attractive one. She was dressed with a weird blue and white dress which looked really fancy on her but would probably look bad on every other women.

Tony introduced himself and then his coworkers, then said how nice it was to meet Steve. Steve thought -knew- It was just to be polite, someone like Tony had no reason to be delighted for meeting someone like the young blond. Anyway, they all sat around a big table and then started to explain everything to Steve, answering to his questions and exposed everything he would have to do if he'd became their Guinea pig. At the end of this long presentation they give him the contract, Steve read it quite quickly, he knew Dr. Banner would not put anyone in danger so he was safe...as safe as it is to test experimental medication. So he signed the contract which said he'd had to write down most of the things he eats, drink and the drugs he took, that he couldn't speak about the medication, so he said he already had told to two of his friends, Tony rolled his eyes at those words asking Steve not to tell anyone else. The blond agreed and kept riding all the thing he had to do among them was bodybuilding. He had to do sport with a coach named Thor. Steve is not an athlete, he've never been a fan of sport, but if it was something he had to do...he would. And then there was a line saying he would have to meet with Dr. Banner or Dr. Cho every two weeks.

He agreed on everything, after signing the contract Tony left him to the hands of the doctors, he followed them in a room full of medical devices. They run tests on him before explaining what pill he had to take and when he had three small bottle of pills of different colors, red, white and blue. One to take before sleep, another on the morning and the last one for lunch. Medication starting the very same day.

Then he left the building and lead back home right away, answering as he could to Nat and Sam while trying not to break any conditions of the contract he has with stark industries. He took the first pill and get to bed just after. He didn't sleep much that night...too busy thinking of the guy who left him in New York streets while fighting bad guys on the other side of the world. He had some relationships since Bucky left...to be true he'd had one! With a guy named Grant Ward. The guy he net the night Bucky left. They kind of dated for three weeks before Steve couldn't take it. the guy was weird and bad. He had punched Steve because he had broken a glass. That night was the last Steve had spend with the guy before going away. It had been scary.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey! here is a new chapter, please leave a comment :)

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He never thought he'd miss New York that much, his family, his friends. Three months and home already feel like a dream. On of the thing he misses the most his the food and especially coffee. He'd kill for a black coffee. Sometimes, he called his family but the time they could have on the phone or Skype was very short it was never enough. He had taken time to send mails to Steve, trying to keep contact with him. Every once in a while, he and the rest of the 107th still had good time. Every time they weren't on missions, they managed to play card or football and it usually ended with the boy accusing each other of cheating. That's actually why they are called the howling commandos. Bucky found in the army very good friends. He knew he could trust those dorks, at the base as well as on the field. He knew they wouldn't let him down just like he wouldn't let them. The mornings were rough, they were up before the sun, and they needed to do their bed, if it can be called a bed, dressed really quickly and then they had a sport session. Running around the base and then doing push ups just after awaking was the worst part of the day. Then, they eat breakfasts and drink coffee with a really bad taste and then they worked around the base or go on missions, it consisted in saving people on different small villages, arresting bad guys or stuff like that without getting caught or killed during the fight. For now, they haven't gone through bad stuff. Well...Until today. The Calmness couldn't last longer right ?

The 107th had been sent on a mission in a little village as usual, they had to prevent any bad stuff to happen. They amazingly failed. They fell in an ambush. Most of the inhabitants had been either killed or captured, and now was the turn of the howling commandos to be made prisoners. The place they were kept in, with other people, probably the souls of the village they've been taken was cold, moist and dark. They had been locked in cage. They were surcharged in those cold, metallic cells. Time to time a little big guy with a German accent who had absolutely not the face of a terrorist came and took one or two prisoners and they never came back, the only thing we heard from the cells were the screams. The other guards often use the prisoners as punching ball, and more than once Bucky stood up to take the hit for the others, he danced with death more than once, and most of his ribs were broken, and had too many wounds to count them. He will be marked for ever, physically and psychologically. He never thought being in the army would turn that bad. Every time he finally falls asleep, he sees his mother. God knows how much he misses her. If he had enough energy, he'd cry for her.

*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*.°.*

It's been nine months since they've been captured, None of them has been chosen to got in the room of hell. Well, until today, the German guy called Zola picked Bucky to be taken. Even though the rest of the team did their best to defend their friend but they were out of number, and they've just been beaten up. So Bucky was taken away and discovered what was doing to the former prisoner. They did experimentation on them. First they inspected Bucky, and start cutting his flesh, they electrocuted him and did many other awful stuff to him. The room smelled blood, and chemicals. Zola approached him with a needle full of who knows what and when the product ran into is veins it was burning. All his nerves where in alert, every part of his body was to painful, and screamed for it to stopped, he screamed, he begged, he cried but the mad doctors just looked at him with sadistic smiles on their faces and did not move. The Sargent collapsed because of the pain. He couldn't take it anymore, when he woke up begging death to take him, the pain was centered in his left arm but he couldn't see what happen. They were testing the limit of the human body and James was at the edge of it. Every thing was hazy, but he could hear gun shots, and the sound of what seemed to be a corps falling down. The US army was here to rescue them.

He didn't know what had happened next. He remembered waking up in a hospital in Germany in panic, not knowing what he was doing here, if he was safe, still in danger, dead or dreaming, with his mother next to him with a look full of tears and pity. Seeing Winifred calmed him down, and then the doctors came in. They announced the bad news, they had to amputate his left arm. How had he not noticed he was missing an arm ? He cried, he panicked, they had to sedated him because he was being dangerous to himself. His mother felt apart, crying fr his boys, and the doctors look at her with pity. His career was over, but it was the last of his problems.

When he woke up he, once again, didn't know where he was, and then finally remembered he had been rescued, and lost his left arm. Winifred was holding his right hand, she looked tired, sad, and had red eyes. She told him they would be back in America in two weeks, and the whole family was waiting for him. She talked about Steve, she had updated Steve on Bucky's condition since he had been captured. Steve had been so worried about his friend, he had cried for him, especially after knowing he had lost his arm. If he had been able to, he would have come to Germany to be here for his friend, but they had to be satisfied with just phone calls. They didn't speak much. Bucky did not have the heart to talk much, and he was easily tired and he also had to call his father and sister. Moreover, it was hard to find time when he wasn't to tired or having a panic attack. He was suffering from PTSD and would have to see a psychologist. He would have medication to take, and see doctors for a prosthetic.

The trip to New York had been exhausting, when he woke up, George, Rebecca, Steve and of course his mother who hadn't left him once were here next to him. And again, they all had tired and full of pity look on their faces. God knows he hated that look, and he knew for sure it would be one of the looks people would give him for the rest of his life now. Apart from their look, he was really happy to see them, even if it didn't show on his face. It was a relief to finally be home, after all the thing he had been through, it was freeing. He had been to hell and back. All the ordeals weren't completely over, and the pain would still be here, like a ghost on his body, but at least it won't be has bad as it was on that creepy lab where he had been rescued. Steve came closer with a sad smile.

« I thought you were dead. »

« I thought you were smaller »

Indeed, Steve had changed a lot since Bucky had left. The program he had followed as guinea pig for Stark industries had made him taller, and stronger. Only nine months had past and the change was obvious. When the visits were over, Steve had to face a bunch of journalists waiting for news of Bucky, and possibly from the rest of the howling commandos. They jumped on every doctors who were getting out of this place. Journalist are like Vulture, they are feeding of the pain and fear of family, making them live their hell over and over again. There is a limit between information and invasion of privacy which is very often cross. Steve found that disgusting. It should be forbidden. He leads back to his apartment where Natasha and Sam were watching a movie, they had settled together in a good apartment, it was good to have people and the three of them had become good friends. They listened to Steve complaining about our society, Bucky state and other stuff before they all hit the bed.


	4. Chapter 4

It's been thirteen months, more than a year since bucky had left, but now he was back and it made Steve really happy. For long he had thought his bestfriend was dead, that he would never see him again. Of course, the Bucky who came back wasn't the same at all, something had died in him. After his classes Steve visited him. A nurse was taking care of him, she saluated Steve, and left.  
"I thought this day would have never come, you in a hospital bed, and me by your side!"  
Steve briefly smiled before sitting on a chair, looking quickly around, no trace of Winifred. He wondered were she had gone. For days she hadn't left her son. Maybe people had eventually conviced her to take some rest. Maybe Bucky himself made a point of it. He was a bit distant and cold with other people exept Steve. He had tried but somehow when he did first it didn't worked but it also felt unatural. With other people it was just a defense mecanism which he couldn't control, with Steve it was somthing which sound false.  
"I wanted to know haw it felt. I definitely don't understand why you came here so often...there is nothing great about here."  
Bucky smiled, but his eyes looked sad, it was hard for him to joke, but he tried, for Steve. And the blond knew it, and was grateful for that.  
"It's good to have you back. I missed you. No one was here to make me do stupid stuff."  
It's not Sam or Nat who could have made him ride the Cyclone for instance. Clearly, they are more soft in their activities.  
"I'm sorry, I was busy protecting this fuckin' country..."  
He looked sad while speaking of that. He couldn't talk about what had happened to him yet and it was pretty normal.  
"What happened to you? You went into a magical machine and get out looking like Captain America?"  
Bucky was really intrested in what had turn little fragile Steve in Big confident Steve.  
"I've been a guenea pig for a new drug from Stark industries. I had to stop it about a month ago, the side effects had become to hard to bear."  
Yeah, almost having a heart-attack is kind of complicate to bear. Plus he had trouble to breath again. So Dr. Banner decided it was time to stop. Now, they new their products were working pretty well, but they had to work on the side effets. However, Steve had kept contact with the whole team. They all had become good friends.  
"You? A guinea pig? I thought I had told you not to do anything stupid during my absence!"  
"It wasn't stupid...plus, it healed me."  
On paper it might be stupid, way more stupid than enlisting. But in the end, he is the one standing and Bucky the one who almost died.  
"One of us got lucky...it usually was me. The roles have been reverse. Not a fan of that!"  
This time he smiled a little bit more truly than he did before. It was good for Steve to see him smile.  
"Well, each other turn! I can't be the unlucky one for ever right?"  
Steve gave him a supportive smile, he looked compatissant. Steve did not stay much longer. Exhaustmant was showing on Bucky's face so Steve didn't wanted to exhaust him more.

Bucky did not wanted Steve to leave but he didn't wanted to be a weight for his friend. He was scared of being alone, he was scared that if he felt asleep he would woke up in the cold cage from where he had been rescued. He wanted compagny, especially Steve's one. He had miss him a lot, and Steve was not looking at him with pity which was enjoyable. Most of the people who entered his room a their eyes full of pity and sadness, they didn't know what to say. Whereas Steve was at least trying to behave has he always did with him. He tried to do sarcasm, and jokes.

Steve spend the night drinking beer with Sam and Natasha, talking and joking. It was nice to have them. He hoped that someday Bucky would be here with them, smiling, laughing has they did still a year ago. Natasha asked for an update on Bucky's state, she didn't know him, but she was intrested because he was Steve friend. She was working since a few months at Stark industries as an assisstant for paper, but she was more of her bodyguard. Natasha was a very strong woman, she knows martial arts. No one wants to piss her of, she has enough strength to put down a small amont of trained soldier. At the end of the evening, she told to Steve that Bucky could maybe have a new model of prosthetic from Stark industries. It was something he could tell him, when he'll be ready. Bucky still couldn't talk about his lost arm, neither about what he had lived, not explicitly at least. He needed time to process what had happen to him, and Steve would give him that time.  
The next morning Steve and Sam went on their usual jogging session – Yeah, those nine months really changed Steve – and after a quick shower Steve went to see Bucky brought him black coffee as he likes it from his favourite store. The nurse was in the rom when Steve came in, he saw the scar on Bucky shoulder, where his left arm should have been. When Bucky saw Steve he got embarassed and hide under the covers, hiding, has he could, his shoulder. Bucky was feeling sick to his stomach, he hated that Steve had seen this horror, he hated himself. And at thta moment, he wished he had died on that cell. As for steve, he had a shock seeing it, but did not let it show, he just gently smiled at his friend, saluated the nurse who left and put down the coffee on the night table next to Bucky's bed.  
« You haven't drink one of those in a long time right ? »  
Steve is almost certain the coffe in the army is disgusting.  
« I'm sorry you had to see that »  
Bucky held his shoulder, and looked like a hurt puppy. He was ashamed of himself, and Steve hated seeing Bucky like that. He wants to help him, he will help him, he quite doesn't know how, but he will.  
« What ? your face ? oh, don't worry, I'm use to see it you know… »  
That made Bucky laugh just a little, if Steve hadn't have been focused, he would have miss it. See bucky smile and laugh was absolutly great. He wanted to see that more often, rather than see hurt and lst Buky again.  
« Sorry, You could have never seen me again, but I've been saved »  
« Don't apologize for that, I missed your head ! »  
This probably came out a little bit too much. It made Steve blush, and Bucky felt warm in his cheeks, not enough to blush. Bucky don't blush.  
« anyway, have you any ideas on when you'll be out there ? »  
Being stuck in a hospital bed suck Steve knows that, but more importantly he wants Bucky t be better and so he can hang out with him again. He wanted to have his best friend back. He'd have to wait two weeks before Bucky can get out. He left him on this point, sadely he had classes to follow.

The ancient greek art is caracterized by blablabla whatever, Steve didn't listened a word of what his teacher had say, he was too busy thinking about Bucky. Do you know the expression far from the eye far from the heart? Well, it's true. Steve had dated guys while Bucky was out of the country, his love for Bucky had faded away, but somehow a little spark in his heart was still burning, even though, he did not realized it yet.


End file.
